In my coaching and in my own life this week, fear has been the big issue for me.  I noticed a client be afraid of starting their own business.  I saw a client be afraid of paying for coaching so canceling the session.  And I saw myself being afraid of someone I was working with. 

So how do you get over this fear?

The simple answer is that you don't get over it you love it.  When I first heard this I thought this was ridiculous.  How can you love something you are afraid of?  What are you supposed to do, start petting Tigers, taking your hateful family member to the movies or buy flowers for a serial killer?  Well not exactly, but in a way yes.

Let me tell you a story to see how it worked for me.

A while back, I had been working with someone who I did not like.  I did not trust her, respect her or believe her.  Worst she was a bully.  So she would pick on me and other people who worked with her to find out what would trigger them.  It was as if she was on the school playground trying to make the other kids cry or pee their pants!  I found myself waking up thinking about her and going to bed stressing about what she was going to say or do next.  She became my worst nightmare. 

With my coach, I began exploring the relationship.  What was it that so upset me about this woman?  She reminded me of my father - of course it had to be my parents.  When I was in meetings with her, it felt like the times when my dad didn't listen to me or understand me.  I knew that this fear was not "true".  This woman was not my father but something still brought up some of those irrational beliefs I had about my dad.  And even though I had worked on my relationship with my father and I knew that those beliefs were old and not accurate they were still affecting right now.  What to do?

Then I read on a website - I don't even remember where - "love the fear".

I had a conversation with the woman - almost by accident - and learned about some of the issues she had growing up.  She had a tough life - poor family, not many opportunities and being bullied at school.  I realized that she had a hard life.  I wasn't quite loving her but I was feeling sorry for her and that became compassion.  My life was a bed of roses compared to some of her struggles.  Every time I saw her instead of seeing this person who I hated I saw a small child.  A kid who was scared because they were being bullied for being different.  It suddenly became much easier to tolerate her, be around her and eventually have compassion and love for the 11 or 12 year-old inside of her.

After about two weeks of "loving" her, I found things much easier.  I was still fearful but it was more manageable and less stressful.  Then I went into a meeting and found out that she was leaving for a better job at another company.  She was out of my hair.

I had loved the fear and the fear had literally disappeared.

How can you apply this to your fears around your job hunt or your career development?

1. Acknowledge the fear
If you are not making phone calls to people on your network what is going on?  Is it because you can't afford to make the calls?  Lazy?  Or afraid?

2. Define the fear
If you are afraid of making the calls what is that about?  Are you afraid of looking stupid?  Are you afraid of bothering someone?  Are you afraid of getting the answer "no" when you ask for help? 

3.  Find the patterns
See if this fear as you defined it shows up in other places or has happened when you were looking for a job before.

4. Dig deeper into the fear
Ask yourself when you first had this fear.  What happened?  Who was there?  Why were you frightened?

5. Forgive, forgive, forgive
If you realize you are frightened because one time when you were a teenager you called a girl/boy you liked and asked them out on a date and they told you "no" and to never call them again and then spread the story around the school that you were a loser then you need to go into forgiveness mode!  You can forgive the girl or boy.  They were young and stupid.  At the time they didn't know any better.  If you can't forgive them you will be the one who suffers not them.  You keep the feelings inside of you whereas they have probably forgotten it and may even be busy being model citizens.  And you can forgive yourself.  You can forgive yourself for thinking that this event could stop you making phone calls about your job search. 

6. Love the fear
Focus on the fear.  Understand it.  Have compassion for yourself.  Understand that fear is our reaction to danger.  It's there to protect us.  When someone pushes you into a pool and you can't swim you're scared.  If you can swim you just laugh.  When you were a kid you were scared.  Now you can change your behavior and "laugh".  You have different tools.  So when you pick up the phone and you get a sick-to-your-stomach feeling recognize it and "love it".  It's trying to help you out.  So you can thank and it say that you're OK now.

7. Practice
Make phone calls -  to your family, your friends and contacts.  Set a goal to make more phone calls than you have made in the past - so that could be one phone call a week or a day.  Call a friend - get some support - ask a friend to be there when you make some job-related calls for moral support and to give you some coaching.  Be prepared.  Know what you need to say beforehand - write it down if it helps.

Send me your questions about your job fears and I will be happy to help.